In the 70s’ and beyond, divorce was almost unheard of among couples in African countries, particularly Nigeria. This is even as termination of marriage relationships have become a common phenomenon since 80’s till date.
In all religions, both Christian and Islamic, emphasis is usually placed on the sanctity of marriage.
Both religions also abhor and frown at divorce. Even in the traditional societies, the institution of marriage is often celebrated, while divorce is discouraged.
However, a close look at the society today, shows that the rate of divorce is on the increase with its adverse effect on the parties, children and the society.
The Founder and Chief Coordinator of “The Wife’’, a Lagos based Non-Governmental Organisaion (NGO) Dr. (Mrs.) Nkem Okoro, who spoke on the issue in an interview with National Mirror, recently, in Lagos said that cases of divorce are due to some combination of factors which include: Increasing inco-mpatibility , immaturity , sexual problems, lack of communication, problems with in –laws and lack of commitment.
Mrs. Okoro who is also a marriage counselor, added that divorce can also occur as a result of infidelity and sexual unfaithfulness, lack of commitment to the marriage, physical, verbal and emotional abuse.
Highlighting signs of a marriage that is likely to end in divorce, she said that such relationship would have begun to experience ‘recession’ period which according to her is characterized by gloomy atmosphere in the house due to lingering, insurmountable issues.
She also identified decreasing level of love, friendship and communication, incessant criticism, nagging and arguments on virtually every issue as signs of a marriage that is likely to end in divorce.
In her words: “Disrespect, show of contempt, low intimacy, romance and sex. Here, many things that would normally be mutually decided upon and done in the house will be left unattended, undone or done at the last minute without remorse. Soon, they lose hope of things ever being resolved and start considering separation or divorce.”
Considering the consequences of divorce on the parties, she quoted Army Deai, J.D who stated that life expectancies for divorced men and women are significantly lower than that of married people.
She also opined that those who are unhappy, but stay married were more likely to be happy five years later than those who divorced.
“After a diagnosis of cancer, married people are most likely to recover, while the divorced are least likely to recover.
“Men and women both suffer a decline in mental health following divorce, but researchers have found that women are more greatly affected.”
“Survey results show that women experiencing divorce face roughly a 30 per cent decline in the standard of living they enjoyed while married and men show a 10 per cent decline if they were the major breadwinner and not the dependent.
“A parent may end up being both father and mother to the children. Some more hours of work may be needed to earn more money to make ends meet,” she submitted.
Advising couples in troubled marriage, she said they should know that the challenges they face are pretty much the same in most other marriages that are thriving.
Also, she counseled that they should not play the blame game, but rather identify their problems, examine themselves, propose solutions and follow through on them.
She said: “The couples should not exhibit hardness of heart, but should be soft hearted, tender and flexible with each other. They should be forgiving, compassionate, tolerant and accommodating of their differences and also develop all good relationship skills. Finally, they should pray and invite God into their challenging situation.”
On how divorce can be avoided, she stressed the need for parties to resolve to remain committed to their marriage, stay on and work it out rather than throwing in the towel.
She also called on couples to study God’s blue-print on the institution of marriage and pray. Mrs. Okoro urged them to continuously examine themselves to ascertain whether they are contributing to the progress or failure of their marriage.
“Couples should self-examine themselves, ask and honestly answer the question on what they are doing or failing to do that contributes to problems in their marriage.
“They should forgive each other always so that they will not harbour unresolved conflict that will eventually evolve into anger, resentment and bitterness,” she noted.
Sharing similar viewpoints, Bishop Leonard Umunna of Believers Life Church, Lagos, attributed increase in divorce to financial constraint. He explained that when a man can no longer meet up with his financial responsibility at home that such could lead to serious problem that will finally cause divorce.
He further identified influence of a third party as another factor that could lead to divorce, adding “ bringing inexperienced or a biased person to meddle in the affairs of any couple is dangerous and can cause irreparable harm to the relationship.”
Considering child issue as another cause of divorce, he said: “Most African men or families believe that the measure of a successful marriage is when there are children, that is the woman is able to give birth. Some even go further to insist on having a particular sex, especially the male child. And when the woman could not bear a child or a male child, such situation could lead to divorce.”
On the other hand, he urged couples to avoid suspecting each other as it could lead to lack of trust. “When there is suspicion in the marriage and the partners can no longer trust each other, it becomes bad because marriage is built on trust and love, when there is no trust, there is no happy relationship and where there is no respect, love does not survive.
For intending couple, he advised that they should marry someone who has same faith and belief with them and added that this will create a better understanding, especially on spiritual matters.
“Don’t marry for beauty or outward appearance, but for character and conviction of the Holy Spirit with peace and a sense of fulfillment as confirmation.
“Don’t marry to fulfill societal, parental or friend’s expectation, but marry possibly your friend for compatibility, love, attraction and God’s will. Marry who you can respect or submit to.”
Also lamenting the increased cases of divorce in Nigeria, Pastor Emmanuel Ugbore of the Redeemed Evangelical Mission (TREM) said that the situation could be due to lack of tolerance and impatience among couples.
Pastor Ugbore noted that hundreds of marriages take place every week across the country, but added that most of these marriages do not last for months due to lack of tolerance, patience, love and care. He pointed out that the problem is mostly common among the present crop of youths, whom he said, are in a hurry to go into marriage without having all it takes.
Ugbore further explained that the high rate of divorce is also responsible for the rising wave of single parentage in the society.
According to him, “There are lot cases of single parenthood all over the place in the society. We all know that children from separated families usually find themselves in difficult situations, as the education of such children is often affected, while their proper upbringing may also be difficult.”
For Ustaz Umar Abdullahi, the major causes of frequent divorce cases in homes these days include infidelity and financial problems in the family. He explained that in Islamic tenet, divorce is allowed even though it is disliked.
“In Islam, if couples realise that they are no longer compatible, to the point that they are no more happy living together as husband and wife, the religion permits that they can be separated, instead of staying in perpetual bondage.’
Abdullahi however noted that divorce should be the last option, as there were other approaches to settling marital disputes.
An Abuja based psychologist, Mary Anyanwu noted that children brought up under such family usually end up exhibiting some questionable personality traits or character flaws. “Let me inform you that the home is the first school of life the child is enrolled in and where that home fails to provide lessons that would mould and keep the child grounded, such individual ends up exhibiting some questionable personality traits or character flaws.”
Anyanwu noted that the role of both parents is very important in the upbringing of the child. “The presence of the father as breadwinner, authority figure and role model should instill in the child the discipline and focus required to succeed in life. Consequently, the presence of the mother as care giver, support system (both morally and spiritually) and disciplinarian is needed to guide the child through the right paths in life.
On his part, a Lagos based lawyer, Mr. Linus Okwara, explained that desperation, especially on the part of the female folks, was a major cause of divorce.
“Most young women feel, it is a must to get married at an early age, while the older ones cannot stand the stigma of not being married.
“Therefore, they enter into marriages not minding what it may cost because they must get married,’’ Okwara said. He further noted that some women, in their desperation avoid marriage counseling and courtship so that the man would not change his mind.
Mrs.NkechiAmanambu, also a legal practitioner, said that some families due to poverty give away their female children in order to make some money.
“Parents who cannot afford to train their female children give them out for marriage so that it could fetch them money. “They don’t care about what the child feels or wants for herself. They force her into an unwanted or unplanned marital life,’’ Amanambu said.
Amanambu, however, said that such couple would opt for a divorce by the time they realised that the union was against their will.
In all, couples were advised not to consider divorce as an option considering the fact that most robbers, prostitutes and street children are mostly from broken homes.
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